Jim Baen's Universe

Science Fiction Stories

Olaf and the Merchandisers

Written by Barry N. Malzberg and Bill Pronzini

Illustrated by Dan Skinner

Olaf imagines better times while he watches sports action rumble, commercials and promos tumble. This time-out brought to you by Father Time Timepiece, "you'll never be late for the march with Father Time," this call to bullpen sponsored by Hokura Cellular, "the whole wide world of technology in the palm of your hand," this picture of bleeding toothless hockey defenseman in penalty box brought to you by rumble tumble bumble sponsors who bring you everything else on Sports Channels I through XII.

Old Olaf steams with rage as sports, commercials, promos continue unabated in his two-bedroom furnished, heat and hot water extra, no charge for cockroaches. Olaf's legs hurt, hips hurt, back twinges every two minutes regular as if atrophied muscles attached to timer. He can't sit long without standing, can't stand long without sitting. TV sports are all Olaf has left in his misguided life. Twelve sports channels on cheap cable; he switches back and forth, forth and back, back and forth.

Ravens versus Colts, 34-7 Colts in the third quarter, game brought to you by Steinmetz Gold, world's finest hops and barley, chill-brewed in special vats, "it's liquid gold in your glass." Greater Cleveland golf tournament, Miller and Deloach tied for lead at six-under, Deloach in rough on back nine, Miller with 40-foot putt for birdie to take the lead, but first a word from our sponsor, Derry's Restaurants, Hungry Folks' Breakfast $2.99 every day all day. World skateboard finals live from Fiji, courtesy of Polynesian Airlines, "a taste of paradise in the sky." Championship tennis, Turgenov versus King, Turgenov leads two sets to one, 40-love in fourth set, serves ace for game set match, match brought to you by Matchmaker Inc., "matchmaker, matchmaker, match my ideal mate." Scores, names, games, commercial messages buzz and flit through recently retired Olaf's brain.

Olaf once believed retirement means quiet life in two-bedroom furnished, watching live broadcasts of great sports events, analyzing games along with analysts, finding some peace after forty years of dry goods and happenstance and parsing goods of useless existence. But what does he get?

This is what Olaf gets: distraction. Barrage of commercials, assault of spot promos for other sports and for sitcoms, reality shows, game shows, news shows. Olaf feels like old ugly animal in zoo cage, bombarded and insulted by talking heads, products and services and laugh tracks and prime-time time wasters hurled at him like stones. TV's highest rated show, funniest sitcom ever, coaches' roundtable, Joe Bob's Best Sports Moments, WWF Bonecrush Facedown; loudest, sexiest, silliest, most thrilling, most informative. Monster truck demolition derby brought to you by New Millennium Insurance, "our claims back up your claims." Olaf sits, Olaf stands, Olaf suffers in angry solitude. Game recap brought to you by Happyland Pleasure World, "fun in the Florida sun for the entire family." Olaf's life recap brought to you by Storr's Premium Lite and Analgesic Double Plus Pain Reliever.

Here is the life of Olaf Thorkelssen: Born in St. Paul, Minnesota same year John F. Kennedy elected president. Good student with many insights, many plans for future as business entrepreneur. Migrated east at age eighteen to attend college, met Mary Jo Petersen from Yonkers in sophomore year, got her pregnant first time in after drunken frat party. Olaf did right thing, quit school, married Mary Jo, took job with Plume Dry Goods Inc. Fathered second child bang-bang, bought house, worked hard, lived conventional life. Children grew up, moved out, devout daughter Clarice married Baptist minister in Indianapolis, drug-freak son Vernon (named after wife's brother) MIA in California. Olaf sold house for below market value because of poor upkeep, moved with Mary Jo into two-bedroom furnished, retired from Plume Dry Goods. Wanted only solace and peace for declining years, but has been denied same.

One day in two-bedroom furnished Olaf made another mistake in mistake-riddled life. Said to wife why don't kids combine interests, make commercial for religious TV network, get rich. "Today's sermon brought to you by Meth-Ease, the gentle high for pious sinners." Humor-challenged wife burst into tears, said to him "You monster!" and rushed out of room. Olaf thereafter refused dutiful marital relations, despite repeated threats and occasional begging.

After six months inevitable happens. Wife says all Olaf does since retirement is watch TV sports and drink beer, spend all day and half the night in tomb of empty beer cans, announcers' voices and crowd noise and commercials blaring, and she can't take it any more. She moves out, moves in with sister in Hackensack, leaves poor Olaf all alone. Frustrated bitter Olaf thinks he is better off without her.

Olaf now has no one except fat Lou Dinucci. Lou occupies one-bedroom furnished in same building and is also victim of wifely defection, and also recently retired from sales job with Fleet Organic Snack Food Company, "Fleet—the elite treat." Sports and Storr's Premium Lite only things Olaf has in common with Lou the mooch, Lou the know-it-all. Every Saturday and Sunday Lou comes over to eat Olaf's food, quaff Olaf's beer, make Olaf's miserable life more miserable.

Here is what Olaf and Lou do together: watch sports, drink flavorful, noncaloric brew, argue about Celebrity Bowling brought to you by New Age Burgers, "the fast food of the future," and NFL Game of the Century brought to you by Hansen's Fine Stuffed BBQ Chicken Breasts, "we fill 'em, you grill 'em," and Championship Pool sponsored by Big Fellows, "the natural sexual enhancement for the man on the rise." Argue about college football and pro football and soccer and baseball and basketball and hockey and track and field and gymnastics and croquet and curling and sumo wrestling. Argue about types of deodorant, headache remedies, radial tires, American cars, Japanese cars, German cars, hair replacement methods, potato chips, microwave popcorn, cheese (Wisconsin has the best, no California, no England, no Holland), and brands of ketchup, mustard, pickles, soup, soap, and packaged nuts. Fat Lou, arrogant Lou, he says if he makes it to heaven he'll argue with God about nature of the universe. Conflicted Olaf hates long hours spent with loudmouth nonfriend, looks forward to them at the same time.

One Sunday Olaf is seized by sudden idea in the middle of whick-whack hi-team women's beach volleyball semifinals from beautiful island of Maui, brought to you by Sun-Oil Sixteen, "as gentle as a lover's touch on sensitive skin." Excited, he stands up to ease pain in aching back and hips, says to Lou, "Brilliant money-making concept just came to me. How about we start a brand-new TV sports event?"

Lou struggles to position of attention. "There is no new sports event," he says. "All sports are already on TV."

"Darts," Olaf says.

"Darts? Did you say darts?"

"Organized series of championship dart tournaments. Beginning at local level, moving on through increasing attention and popularity to national prominence on cable sports channel, title match brought to you by Old England Dart Boards or other related corporate sponsor."

"Look at the ass on that blonde," Lou says, staring at the TV screen.

"World Series of Darts," Olaf says. "No, better yet, International Darts Federation Tournament of Champions."

"Best asses in TV sports in beach volleyball matches," Lou says.

"It's a brilliant concept and you know it," Olaf says.

"Not brilliant, stupid." Lou listens to the announcer say Rocky Mountain Ice Beer, "no brew colder south of Alaska," is best of all American beers. "Garbage," he says. "Storr's Premium Lite is the best, the coldest, any fool knows that."

"Darts," Olaf says.

"I don't know anything about darts," Lou says. "You don't know anything about darts. Who cares about darts?"

"Patrons in bars. Darts is a very big game in bars."

"To play, not to watch on TV. Darts is not a big-audience game."

"Beach volleyball isn't a big audience game either," Olaf points out. "Nobody in Minnesota plays beach volleyball, yet viewers in Minneapolis and St. Paul are watching beach volleyball this very moment same as we are. It's all promotion."

"No ocean beaches in Minnesota," Lou says wisely.

"We'll make millions with the right promotion, right sponsors, right TV channel," Olaf says. "Sports Channel X, home of Xtreme toboggan racing, is perfect for International Darts Federation Tournament of Champions."

"Another slice of crazy Olaf pie," Lou says and shakes his head in disdain.