Jim Baen's Universe

Fantasy Stories

Gnome Improvement

Written by Rebecca Lickiss

Illustrated by Alison Williams

"Gnome Improvement!" The heavy, almost cardboard, door hanger read in bright red letters on an emerald green background. "Bring good luck to your home and your family, brighten your lawn, and make your gnomes happy. We pick up and deliver your lawn gnomes to the Gnome Spa (TM), and return them refreshed, renewed, and revived. Call today!"

Marty stood in the summer-time shade of the overhang above the front step to his little slice of suburban heaven. Home, his castle, his retreat from his lousy job and idiot neighbors. He frowned at the door hanger, wondering if it was a joke of some kind. He held the paper close to his face to read the fine print at the bottom.

"Pick up, patching, painting, clear weather coating, and return included in offer. Pick up from front lawn only. No guarantees on exact dye shades for coloring. Not responsible for gnomes not on front lawn, major repairs, or gnomes who run away after service."

Lawn gnome maintenance. What would they think of next? Marty had to admit that his gnomes were sun-faded, and could probably use some paint and repair. The young gnome couple pushing the flower-pot wagon were chipped, and the colors on the old gnome sleeping under the tree had faded to pale pastels. At least half of the gnomes had originally belonged to his parents; he remembered some from his childhood. Perhaps he should call. He'd talk with Lisa, his wife, about it first.

****

The gnomes were gone for two weeks, leaving what appeared to Marty to be strange empty patches in the yard. He knew it was all in his head, but the yard just didn't look right without gnomes. The day the gnomes were dropped off, he and Lisa spent the evening arranging and re-arranging the gnomes.

Marty held the old sleeping gnome, examining it in wonder. He could almost see the weave of the cobalt blue shirt and deep red trousers, the painting was so realistic. Veins and age spots had been painted onto the old gnome's hands. Marty watched the old gnome for a moment, sitting in the dark, pungent bark-mulch at the base of the maple tree.

"Lisa, come here a minute." Marty moved to the other side of the tree, to examine the gnome from another angle. "This sounds stupid, but does it look like the old man is breathing to you?"

Laughing, Lisa walked over from where she'd been setting the flower-pot wagon up, to hug him. "They did a fantastic job. I'd swear the couple look like blushing newlyweds that just realized everyone knows what they were doing last night. And Big Frank looks like he's been to the gym."

Big Frank stood protectively, ax in hand, near the front door; as he had at Marty's parents' house through most of Marty's childhood. Marty's mother had always said with Big Frank outside she'd never fear the wolf at the door. Somehow the new paint job made Big Frank look like a gnome bodybuilder on steroids, just looking for an excuse to use the ax.

Marty smiled up at Lisa. "Yes. Definitely money well spent. They look like brand new gnomes."

Just then Mutt, the Jackson's dog from next door, squatted in their yard. Lisa and Marty ran at him, shooing him away.

Laura Jackson hurried over to grab Mutt's collar. "Sorry about that."

"It's all right," Lisa said. She whispered to Marty, "I think they trained him to come over here and do that."

It was an old complaint, and Marty quickly distracted her with the display of the lawn gnomes.

****

Three days later, as Marty stepped out of his car, returning home from work, he saw Laura Jackson leading Mutt out for a walk. She waved to him. "Hey, neighbor. How was work?"

"Fine. And yours?"

"Fine." Laura pulled on the leash. Mutt dragged behind her, obviously trying to go in the opposite direction. Laura frowned at him momentarily, before turning back to Marty. "I've been meaning to ask if you've been using some new fertilizer or weed killer or something on your lawn."

Marty looked at his yard. He'd mown over the weekend, but a few dandelions had sprung up, testifying that he hadn't put any weed killer down. "No. Why?"

"Mutt's been acting funny around your yard. He won't go near it, if he can avoid it." Laura stepped backward as Mutt lunged against the leash. "I just thought maybe he smelled something different."

"No, we haven't used anything, as a matter of fact." Marty stepped over onto the Jackson's yard, and crouched down by Mutt. Mutt sniffed and licked Marty's hand. "Well, he still likes me." He shrugged, and stood up. "Maybe some big Doberman's been marking my yard."

"Strange. Well, see you later." Laura waved as she walked off in the other direction.

It was strange. Now that he thought on it, Marty realized there hadn't been any dog piles in the yard since the night they'd arranged the lawn gnomes.

Big Frank had a strangely smug look on his face that Marty didn't remember being there. Marty glanced back at his neighbor's retreating back. Could it? Just in case, he leaned over, patted Big Frank's head, and whispered, "Good going."

****

A week later, he found Lisa by the flower-pot wagon when he came home. She grinned at him. "Where did you get the little girl gnome. She is precious."

"Little girl gnome?" Marty asked.

Lisa waved a hand. Standing just behind the couple pushing the flower-pot wagon was a small, cute, gnome girl. She looked shyly at a tiny rose she held in her apron. She was no taller than knee high to her mother.

Marty shook his head. "I didn't buy any new gnomes."

"Then where did she come from?"

They stared at the little girl for a while, before going back in the house.

By fall a line of four little gnome girls stretched behind the couple pushing the wagon. The shy one with the rose in her apron was the biggest, almost half the size of her mother. Feeling rather stupid, Marty took the couple back behind the house for a quick lecture on birth control.

****

The maple leaves turned red, and fell in a scarlet carpet around the tree. One night, as they were working in the yard, Lisa brushed the day's fallen leaves off the old man, and discovered the large crack, nearly splitting him in two.

They carefully wrapped him up, and Marty took him to the Gnome Spa the next day. He had to drive out into the countryside. He knew he'd found the place even before he saw the mailbox with