Jim Baen's Universe

Introducing: Stories by new authors

Fancy Farmer

Written by Pamela Uphoff

Illustrated by Christof Koelzer

"Hi, welcome to this edition of Fancy Farmer of the High Frontier!"

Fancy was, as always, a nauseatingly perky brunette; attired today in a pink paisley neolauraashley topped with her favorite ruffled white apron. Her kitchen matched the image: natural wood with flower and spice pictures on every cabinet door, pink countertops, businesslike stainless steel pans, and pink plastic stirrers and spatulas sticking out of a flowery deep pink vase like a mutant bouquet.

"Today's recipe is Vegetable Afraidso. The ingredients include three garlic cloves, finely diced, which can be cooked with the sauce or the vegetables." As she spoke the knife in her capable hands with their perfectly polished nails flashed and chopped.

"We'll use one cup, that's about four ounces or one hundred fifteen grams, of grated Parmesan cheese. For those of you with the Xuny Autocheeser, that's setting B43-G."

She flashed her dimpled smile as she swung into her standard advertising spiel. "I prefer Xuny appliances for all my cooking needs, because they're reliable and produce authentically flavored foods.

"For the sauce base, dial up one cup (three hundred milliliters) of heavy whipping cream. On my Xuny Lactomatic, that's setting eight. If you have a different make or model, be sure to consult your owner's manual." She patted each appliance as if they were well-loved pets.

"We'll need about four cups of cooked noodles. On your Xuny Starcher, that's setting D. I like a wide noodle for this dish—about a number fifteen." Rumor had it that single and very lonely men in space were her main watchers. The advertising agency had wistfully requested a lower neckline, and perhaps some padding, but the CEO of Xuny had pointed out they were beating their competition cold in sales to space destinations, so sparkling clean and perky were here to stay.

"You can use almost any vegetable in this dish, depending on what's ripe in your dome- or hydro-garden." Her hands reached out and pulled vegetables from an artistically arranged bowl as she continued her nonstop chatter. "My favorites are a mixture of red onion, about one eighth of a large one, sliced; two Nukeinni and two Yellow Peril squash, thin sliced. Remember—" She shook an admonishing finger at her viewers. "—if they scream when you pick them, they are infected with Xin12 and the entire plant should be uprooted and put in the MOLECULAR recycler!" Not that Xin12 was dangerous, just a genehacker's joke gone feral, but it was really irritating after the first shock had faded.

"We'll start by frying the sliced onion, then adding the squash." Pans sizzled and spatulas twirled. "When they're all tender and browned, add the garlic. Other ingredients that require little cooking, such as mushrooms, should be added now also.

"The sauce is just a matter of adding the Parmesan to the cream and heating to melt the cheese. Add salt to taste, or according to the special requirements of your environment." One graceful arm waved the shaker like a magic wand, while the other stirred.

"The fresh noodles need to boil for four minutes. Don't let them get soggy!" She shook her head and frowned, a very cute frown, of course. "If you are using dried noodles, start them a little sooner; they will need to boil for about ten minutes, depending on your atmospheric pressure!

"Then drain the noodles, and toss them in the frying pan with the veggies." Two dancing movements, and more sizzling. "Pour the sauce over them and stir to coat everything. Serve immediately to your happy family!" She beamed at the presumed bachelors whom polls showed all wished she was cooking for them.

"Sometimes I like to add Freshwater Giants or Crabbies. For those of you whose Pondomes